Here’s my 2nd submission – this photo is pretty old, from about 5 years ago when I was at my heaviest. I was a UK 24 on the bottom and a UK 20 on the top. I’ve lost weight since then and dropped about 2 dress sizes. So here’s my sad story. Feel free not to submit this to the blog if it’s too long but I hope it’ll help people somehow understand the way I think and why I have zero self esteem and confidence and why I know that I’m definitely not attractive.
First of all, I have a borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder – basically, “my brain don’t work right”. I’ve always been fat. I started to gain weight at around the age of 6, probably because my mum is Polish and would stuff us with food. When I was 7 I had my first crush and it wasn’t reciprocated. In my mind, I instantly knew that this was because of me and that it must mean I am ugly and no one will ever like me in that way. Also, throughout my life my mother and my family would constantly say little comments that would reinforce in my mind what I looked like to other people and that I was disgusting and ugly. My favourite one and one that’s stayed with me all my life was “Don’t worry, maybe you’ll find someone who doesn’t mind being with someone fat like you”. Great…so that means 1. Whoever would find me attractive is some kind of weirdo and 2. If they do want to be with me, it means they’re compromising or settling for something less than they want. I know that everyone always says “confidence comes from within” but if you’ve got the people that are supposed to be the closest to you telling you constantly that your gross from an early age, what else are you supposed to think?
I never got bullied at school though. Because I knew that I was totally unattractive, I made up with it by being funny, clever and witty. Some of the other girls couldn’t understand why so many of the boys were my friend when I just made them laugh. Usually at my own expense but I didn’t really care. I knew what people thought about the way I looked so why not just point it out and make a joke out of it. I never had a boyfriend throughout high school. I never had a crush on any one in high school either and then I also had lots of confusing feelings because I liked girls too. I knew I wasn’t gay because I still found guys hella attractive but then I’d feel the same way about girls too. Anyway, I would see other plus size girls get boyfriends so I thought that it must just be me that’s ugly and boring and grotesque and that’s why guys don’t find me attractive. It really wasn’t specifically about my weight, it must be the whole package that’s offputting. To everyone else, I was happy and confident and funny but inside I just hated everything about me. I mean, why not? My family had constantly told me I was ugly and worthless so why should I think any differently?
I got my first boyfriend when I was 17. We were together for 4 years and all those 4 years we never once had sex. We did other stuff just not sex. Basically he couldn’t get it up. So in my mind, I knew this was my fault, I wasn’t attractive enough or sexy enough to turn him on. We broke up and then I was single for the next 2 years. I lost my virginity to the first guy who offered. I don’t really want to say how old I was because I find it totally embarrassing but I’m sure you can work it out from the timeline. I didn’t care to be honest. I didn’t want it to be special, I just wanted to get rid of it. So then, the first guy I ever loved. We were together for about a year and a half. He would tell me how beautiful I was, and how much he loved my figure. And I started to believe him. Then I found out he had been cheating on me with dozens of other (skinny) girls throughout the time we’d been together. That pretty much destroyed the tiny bit of confidence I had built. I was so angry with myself that I’d let myself believe I was anything other than hideous. So that brings us to today. And the end of my sad sad tale. I’m sorry if this is very boring or depressing, I just felt like I needed to explain exactly why I dislike myself so much. You can follow me if you like or send me messages telling me I’m being stupid and that I’m gorgeous, but to me it’s just words and I probably won’t ever think differently.
